Powell Saga
by Linalin
Summary: Is there anything weirder than Excel Saga? Yes, there is, Excel Saga with the Bush and Clinton administrations!
1. Ep 1 Let the Fanfic Weirdness Begin

Powell Saga - Episode 1 - Let the Fanfic Weirdness Begin  
  
"Are you lonely," a female voice resounds through darkness, "Are you alone? Are you bored?"  
  
A light shines, exposing the figure of a strawberry blonde adolescent, sitting with her knees to her chest. "Then I Linalin, hereby give my permission to allow you to read my Excel Saga fanfic". She looks up, winks, and two neon pink oddly shaped L's, one being rotated at a 180 degree angle, appear around a pink dot.  
  
Darkness appears once more. Two green lights shine. Then two men appear with microphones and begin to sing....  
  
This is screwed up,  
  
Screwed up is this,  
  
The world is screwed up, but we do nothing at all, it's politics,  
  
Should we do something,  
  
Something, should we do,  
  
We guess we should, but we get paid to screw up your lives, y'got that right,  
  
Passing laws that make no sense gets tiring,  
  
So instead we'll start wars until retirement,  
  
Cheating, wheedling, interfering in other countries biz,  
  
Never stopping our investigations even if they bitch,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Even if we cause people to shed their tears,  
  
We won't stop, it's been going on for years,  
  
There will be more scum elected after us, in this dark profession we call politics  
  
Dick Cheney and Colin Powell enter a renovated Oval Office. It had been nearly emptied with the exception of a throne, on which an oddly clothed president sat, and dark red drapes. Colin stared bewilderedly then questioned, "Err...what's going on?"  
  
The president fixed his poorly made "crown" before speaking. "It has come to my attention that the Japanies have created a corporation called 'ANIME' in which these 'ANIME so-called characters' have the ability to fly, fire things with their hands, rape teenage girls with tentacles, and look incredibly cool while doing so."  
  
Colin scratched his head, "Don't you mean Japanese?"  
  
"You dare to question me!?"  
  
A rope drops from the ceiling. Bush tugs on the rope, but nothing happens. "Hmm got to get that fixed."  
  
Dick finally spoke up," What, may I ask, has happened to the décor?"  
  
"I'm so glad you asked Agent Cheney," the president said pulling out a pair of peach colored sunglasses and placing them on his face. "You are now agents of the top secret ideological organization known as ACRIME, whose mission is to become ANIME characters and ruin the lives of the ignorant masses," the president cleared his throat, stood up, and continued, "And this will be our secret headquarters!"  
  
Powell, more confused then ever, stated nonchalantly "It's not much of a secret though...this is the White House after all."  
  
"Yes dear Agent Powell, but there is more than one white house in this country and if we must, then we'll paint the house yellow."  
  
Powell shook his head and said nothing. Bush sat back down. "Now allow me to describe your duties in ACRIME. Seeing as how you two will be the only agents, you must obey all of my orders, help fund our missions, refer to me as Lord Bush, and most importantly, you must never reveal ACRIME to anyone."  
  
"Lord Bush, why are we going to be the only agents," Cheney asked.  
  
"That's easy, Agent Cheney," Bush responded," The ignorant masses can and will never appreciate or understand what we are trying to do."  
  
Powell, who is becoming more confused with ever word out of Bush's mouth, said, "I can't even understand what we're trying to do, but why don't you employ the secret service for ACRIME? Having just two agents is quite unorthodox."  
  
"Maybe two agents is unwhatever, but I'm sure you two can fulfill your duties...or else," replied their superior," This 'secret service' must never find out about ACRIME. They are a group of people who serve to tell the secrets of others and ACRIME is a secret ideological organization, one of which the Japanies must never find out about. Because of those damn copyright infringement laws; I could get in serious trouble for downloading ANIME videos off the internet. My mother would take my computer away. Then, how could I talk to my BONZAI BUDDY?"  
  
The two agents remained silent. Bush spoke once more," Well, allow me to brief you on today's mission. Today, you will go undercover as the ignorant, find an apartment to live in, and get a part-time job. You will report your earnings back to me. The money will go towards your unfinished uniforms fund."  
  
With this Powell gulped, examining Bush's "uniform" more extensively. The president was wearing a normal gray business suit underneath what looked like a black bed sheet. On his shoulders, attached to the sheet, were what looked like garbage can lids. His crown was a simple ring made out of paper that fit unevenly across his head.  
  
"Why must we live in an apartment can't we just live here," inquired Cheney.  
  
"For two very good reasons, first of all, people may want to visit you here, but they can't because this is a secret headquarters. Secondly, Mama doesn't allow people to spend the night." Bush frowned. "Before I forget..." The man whistled. A black Scottish terrier ran into the room. "You will take Barney with you and if needed, use him as an emergency food supply."  
  
Hearing that the dog let out a shrill yelp, which in turn caused Cheney's pacemaker and defibulator to stop. Moments later, he collapsed. Powell checked his pulse.  
  
"Damn it. He's dead again." Powell reached into Cheney's breast pocket, pulling out a syringe of adrenaline and two small metal pedals that were wired to a military designed battery. He removed the cap to the syringe and injected the adrenaline into Cheney's neck. Then, the agent unbuttoned Cheney's shirt, flicked a switch on the sides of the paddles, which began making a loud humming noise, and placed the paddles above the vice president's chest. "Clear!" he called out and placed the paddles on Cheney's left breast. He checked for a pulse again. After finding one, he turned off the paddles, and handed the resuscitating instruments to the now conscious man who had begun to re-button his shirt.  
  
During the incident, Bush had managed to secure a leash onto the trembling terrier. He handed the leash to Powell. "You are now dismissed."  
  
Across town, days before, Janet Reno was heading to her new job. She walked through the entrance of a white office building, and took the elevator to the 13th floor. There a secretary directed her to his office. In his office, she met two unexpected acquaintances. "What in the hell are you two doing here!?" Janet screamed upon seeing them.  
  
"Relax Janet, it looks like we'll be working together again," chuckled Bill Clinton.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me," cried Janet, placing her hand across her forehead.  
  
"Nope, it's the truth. Isn't that right, Ken?"  
  
Kenneth Starr nodded his head. Subtitles appeared underneath him that read," Yep. No lie."  
  
Reno looked at him with amazement. "What's with the subtitles?"  
  
The subtitles read, "Fanfic purposes."  
  
"Now that you have been reacquainted, I am sure you are wondering why all three of you have been called here," said a familiar voice. Al Gore stepped into the room from side door. "Please sit," he motioned to the three vacant chairs that lay centered in the room. They complied. Gore continued," I do not approve of Bush's ethnics, nor do you and the Democratic Party. Because of his negligence to the local economy, I feel that it is necessary for we individuals to take a stand..."  
  
His speech lasted for nearly two hours. As soon as he finished Reno, Clinton, and Starr stirred awake. Here are the keys to the apartment in which all of you will be staying.  
  
"WHAT," screamed Reno.  
  
Clinton put his arm around her shoulders. "This is great! We'll all be roommates."  
  
Subtitles underneath Starr read, "Yeah...wonderful."  
  
Annoyed as hell, Reno asked, "Why do we have to live in the same apartment?"  
  
"It is for your own protection." With that said, Gore left the room.  
  
The Powell Saga Logo appears and the logo background music plays. "So how are you guys enjoying it so far?" said Linalin. The audience boos. The logo background music stops and then plays again. "Well don't worry we've got an actual anime character coming up. The audience cheers, the music stops, and the logo disappears.  
  
"Well Cheney, which should we look for first, a job or an apartment?"  
  
"I believe it would be in our best interest to find an apartment. We withdrew enough money for a month's rent from the Bank of America. If we keep this amount of money in our pockets, there's a chance it will get stolen or lost."  
  
"Well, where should we look first?"  
  
"Lord Bush, said we should follow this map whenever the story got boring."  
  
Cheney unfolded a piece of paper; he pulled out of his pocket. On the paper, in red crayon, was a doodle of a happy face, a house, a dollar sign, and a bunch of squiggly lines in between. Bush had also written, "Frum thu smeyelee fase, hed in the upway, thair u wheell fined a pulase u kan wurk att, thehen hed lefteway n ull fined an apeartament. Done't tack n-e mure munie frum the banc than wut u allreadie hafe. Japanies youse weered munie, sow Eye'll uhllow u 2 use r munie jus les ov it."  
  
"That made no sense whatsoever." Powell took the map from Cheney and shredded it. "Well let's continue on." A Japanese short brown-haired teenage boy wearing a school uniform passed the agents. Barney began to bark.  
  
"Excuse me young man," said Cheney to the stranger.  
  
The young man stopped. "Oh no, they saw me. They saw me doing it in front of her. Asuka will kill me if they tell her," he thought. "Um, may I help you?"  
  
"Do you know of any apartment buildings in the area?" Cheney asked.  
  
"Um, yes sir, we're right standing in front of one." Sure enough, they were standing in front of a yellow two-story apartment building.  
  
Powell thanked the boy, who then took his leave. "Well then, let's go see the manager."  
  
In the manager's office, sitting at a battered desk, on a stack of books was a Jewish midget. The man, who was wearing a janitor's uniform with the name Bob stitched on it, looked up as they entered. "What do you want?"  
  
"Hello there, um...Mr. Bob, "Cheney greeted, "My name is Dick and my friend's name is Colin. We were wondering if you had any apartments available for rent."  
  
"Bob? Who is this Bob? My name is Joseph."  
  
"Oh," gasped Cheney, "please forgive me, it's just your clothes said..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we're sorry Joseph, now about the apartments..."  
  
"I usually don't do this for gays or animal people, but I'm a little short on money right now, so I'll give you guys a room. $750 a month, utilities included."  
  
"Ok," sighed Powell, handing Joseph the wad of bills they had withdrawn from the bank. The manager tossed them the keys to apartment '21' and then they were off.  
  
"Um, junior we do not have any money left, do we?"  
  
The man shook his head.  
  
"Then what shall we do about food?"  
  
Powell joked, "We can always eat the dog. He is our emergency food supply."  
  
Barney fainted when he heard this, which was unseen by the others. Cheney dragged the dog's limp form up the flight of stairs. When they entered their new home, they stumbled upon the queerest site.  
  
Dozens of cockroaches were protesting. They were walking around with little signs made from tea tags and toothpicks. In tiny print they read, "Let us wed!", "Marriage to gays!", "Gays R People 2!", and other gay marriage right sayings. Upon seeing them, Colin began screaming like a little bitch. The sound could clearly be heard next door.  
  
"Clinton, go see what's going on," ordered Reno.  
  
"Why don't you go? I'm in the middle of playing Britney's Dance Beat!" snapped Clinton.  
  
She spun so quickly to glower at him that the shaving cream on her lip flew off, hitting the sides of the television. "Fine I'll go, you good for nothing! By the way wears Kenneth?"  
  
"Eh he went out for groceries a few hours ago."  
  
Kenneth Starr was standing on a street corner holding two bags of groceries. No one seemed to notice the subtitles that read, "Taxi!"  
  
In the agent's apartment, the vice president was unsuccessfully trying to stomp the roaches while Powell was huddled in a corner still screaming. The roaches began stabbing Cheney in the foot with the ends of their signs. Suddenly, Janet Reno kicked open the door. She immediately noticed the roach protests. With a newspaper, she began whacking the roaches, but to little avail. They were too fast. An hour later, they had all scurried away and Powell finally shut the hell up.  
  
"Are you all right, sir?" asked Reno, grabbing Cheney's hand. Weird pink bubbles appeared behind the two.  
  
"Yes, thank you very much for your help. My name is Dick Cheney. And you are?"  
  
"I'm Janet, Janet Reno"  
  
"It is very nice to meet you."  
  
"It was nice to meet you, too. I'm very sorry, but I should go now. If you need anything, I'll be glad to help. I live right next door."  
  
"Thank you very much for your kind offer Ms. Reno. Have a nice night."  
  
Reno left, as did the pink bubbles. Minutes later, Cheney passed out from the blood loss of the toothpick punctures. Powell ran over and checked his pulse. "Dead again."  
  
Starr returned nearly an hour after Reno. "What the hell took so long?" Clinton cried, "I've been starving."  
  
The subtitles read, "None of the drivers could read English."  
  
"Well, what did you get for dinner?" asked Clinton, not removing his eyes from the cg Britney Spears.  
  
The subtitles read,"For tonight, I just got subs. There's steak, two turkey, two Italian, and a ham sub for myself."  
  
"I'll take the steak. Which do you want, Janet?" There was no response.  
  
"Yoo-hoo, Earth to Janet."  
  
"Huh, what is it?" Janet asked recovering from her daydream.  
  
Kenneth's subtitles read, "What sub do you want?"  
  
"Uh, it doesn't matter."  
  
After passing out sandwiches (and Clinton finally hitting pause), they three sat down at their low cut table and began to eat. Starr noticed something odd though. His subtitles read, "What is that?" The other two looked at where Starr was pointing. Because of the heat emitted from the television, the shaving cream melted. The result was a runny, sticky, white substance.  
  
"What in the hell were you doing while we were gone!?" Reno shouted.  
  
Clinton cowered. Nothing I swear.  
  
In the apartment over, Powell was writing in his journal...  
  
Today was really weird, but my love included me in a new organization of his. It makes no sense to me, but as long as I'm near him. Can you believe that the manager thinks that Dick and I are a couple!? How wrong is that? He dies every hour. He's nothing compared to Lord Bush. I have to live with Cheney now. I'm not sure why, but I don't mind because Lord Bush asked me to. Well that's all for tonight.  
  
Powell turned off the light and lay on the ground. "Good night, Dick."  
  
"Good night, Colin."  
  
Everything fades to black. Grrrrrrr  
  
"What was that," asked Powell.  
  
"Please forgive me, it was my stomach."  
  
"Yeah, we have no money or food."  
  
Cheney added, "or job."  
  
"Yeah, we still have the dog, though."  
  
A loud yelp was heard.  
  
"Damn it, dead again."  
  
Text appeared...  
  
Episode 1  
  
Let the Fanfic Weirdness Begin  
  
Today's Experiment... Failed  
  
The text faded.  
  
A light shines upon a miniature music sheet stand and a miniature microphone, while music plays and snow falls. Barney walks up to the microphone and adjusts it and begins to sing. His yelps are translated by Gary Coleman who appears in a blue bubble to the side of him. Gary Coleman reads...  
  
I've known this all along,  
You never cared about me at all,  
You gave me away as if you didn't care and then called me food,  
It hurts so much to think about it,  
Not what you did to me, but rather the person you are,  
If I see you again I won't tell you how I feel,  
Instead I'll tell the truth to the media, you bastard.  
  
Gary Coleman disappears. The dog knocks over the microphone and pisses on it. Red curtains with yellow trim close Barney's performance.  
  
A fake 20th Century Fox credit appears, as does a bubble containing Linalin. She says...  
  
Hey there, everyone! I'll be doing this in the fics because all the characters are old people, no offense. Whee! They can't talk as fast as me, kyahahahaha. Well I should give you some of my notes on the fic, huh? I'm not exactly sure what inspired me to write it. I know that I started writing it after I realized that no one would lend me their id to vote (I'm only 15). So, I guess that you can call it political stress. I chose Excel Saga as the anime just because it seemed like an even greater satire paired with the Bush/Clinton administrations. If you haven't figured it out yet here are the characters (not including those from upcoming chapters).  
  
Excel - Colin Powell  
Hyatt - Dick Cheney  
Menchi - Barney  
Il Palazzo - George W. Bush  
Watanabe - Janet Reno  
Iwata - Bill Clinton  
Komioji - Kenneth Starr  
Kabapu - Al Gore  
  
Yep, that's them so far. Sorry, for the Shinji cameo and my Asuka impersonation. If you've ever seen "The End of Evangelion", then you understand what Shinji was talking about. If you haven't, then don't ask. Trust me. You don't want to know. Well, tell me what you think, ok? Oh yeah next episode "Aliens Exist". Review! Review! Review! 


	2. Ep 2 Aliens Exist

Powell Saga - Episode 2 - Aliens Exist  
  
Roswell, New Mexico --- 20:00  
  
There is a black building, surrounded by nothing, but desert. A sign outside the building reads 'Area 51 Arcade'. Odd sounds come from inside the building.  
  
Area 51 Arcade, Roswell, New Mexico --- 20:01  
  
Linalin, who is wearing a black suit and glasses, is standing in front of a 'Space Invaders' machine.  
  
Area 51 Arcade, Roswell, New Mexico --- 22:00  
  
Linalin is still standing in front of 'Space Invaders'.  
  
Area 51 Arcade, Roswell, New Mexico --- 23:59  
  
Linalin steps away from 'Space Invaders' and walks outside.  
  
Area 51 Arcade, Roswell, New Mexico -- 24:00  
  
Linalin looks up at the sky. A yellow moped is descending. She smirks. "So she's come". The girl pulls out an unusual looking gun and shoots it directly above her. Her neon pink symbol appears with the words 'I hereby give my permission to allow you to read my Excel Saga fanfic', then fades, as does the scene.  
  
All is dark. Two green lights shine. Then two men appear with microphones and begin to sing....  
  
This is screwed up,  
  
Screwed up is this,  
  
The world is screwed up, but we do nothing at all, it's politics,  
  
Should we do something,  
  
Something, should we do,  
  
We guess we should, but we get paid to screw up your lives, y'got that right,  
  
Passing laws that make no sense gets tiring,  
  
So instead we'll start wars until retirement,  
  
Cheating, wheedling, interfering in other countries biz,  
  
Never stopping our investigations even if they bitch,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Then we shred evidence,  
  
Even if we cause people to shed their tears,  
  
We won't stop, it's been going on for years,  
  
There will be more scum elected after us, in this dark profession we call politics.  
  
"Hail, Lord Bush!"  
  
"Hmm," the president looks at the disheveled agents, "Next time be more uki-uki."  
  
"Uki-uki?", Powell repeated with confusion in his voice.  
  
"Yes," the Bush repeated, "uki-uki."  
  
"Lord Bush, may I inquire the meaning of uki-uki?"  
  
"No Agent Cheney," their leader said coldly. He continued, "What is the status of yesterday's mission?"  
  
"Sir, we have successfully acquired a place of residence, but have not yet acquired a part-time job."  
  
Bush glared at Powell then tugged at the same rope he did the day before. A bucket of water swung down from the ceiling. Instead of spilling water on Powell as intended, the bucket hit Cheney in the head, rendering him deceased. The other two just watched the body lie on the floor, waiting for his heart to start beating again, which it did a minute later.  
  
"Let's continue. Today, I'll allow you to break from your previous mission, because today's mission is much more important. Today's mission you are to stop Japanies aliens from entering the country. Therefore you will go to Roswell, New Mexico and arrest any Japanies aliens you see. You are now dismissed."  
  
Powell stood there for a few moments in disbelief, until his partner opened the door and they both left.  
  
The two were now walking down one of the city streets.  
  
"Did that mission make any sense whatsoever?"  
  
"I can't say it did, Agent Powell."  
  
"Hey don't call me 'Agent Powell' in public".  
  
"Oh, why?"  
  
"Someone might find out about ACRIME and what's the first and most important rule in ACRIME?"  
  
"Don't talk about ACRIME?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"But, Junior, didn't we just talk about ACRIME?"  
  
Powell gulped. "Yeah, let's not anymore."  
  
A few yards away Janet Reno and company were walking out of Starbucks.  
  
"Oh, good day Miss Reno," Cheney greeted. Weird pink bubbles surrounded the two.  
  
"Yes it is," Reno tried to say sweetly with her deep voice. "How are you?"  
  
"I am fine. And yourself?"  
  
"Oh, I'm fine. Would you like me to buy you a coffee?"  
  
"I'm sorry, maybe next time. We must be on our way."  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"To New Mexico."  
  
"New Mexico. That's pretty far. Will I see you again?"  
  
"Of course. When I return we can have coffee. See you then."  
  
"Have a nice trip." With that, the bubbles disappeared and the agents continued on their way.  
  
Clinton watched the others leave, sipping iced mocha. When they were out of earshot, Clinton jeered," Yo-ou like him."  
  
Reno turned around, blushing, and shouted, "No, I don't!"  
  
Subtitles appeared under Kenneth Starr that read, "It's obvious."  
  
"So?" Reno replied.  
  
"So?" Clinton repeated with a huge smile on his face. "So you haven't ever had a guy, Janet. We should throw a party!"  
  
Reno grabbed him by the throat and screamed, "I'll kill you!"  
  
"Junior, why do you think we have to search for Japanies aliens in New Mexico?"  
  
"I have no idea. I don't even want to know."  
  
"How are we getting to New Mexico anyhow?"  
  
"Frequent flyer miles. Hmm, do you know what uki-uki means?"  
  
"Can't say that I do."  
  
Back at ACRIME headquarters, Bush was searching for the meaning of uki-uki in a Japanese - English dictionary. After realizing that he can't read in Japanese or English, he put the book away.  
  
"This appears to be our flight, Junior."  
  
"Hmm it's a lot smaller than what the credit card company had said."  
  
The two were standing in front of a brightly colored Cessna. A young woman walked up to them. Her appearance was quite awkward. She was wearing large sunglasses, and a white "daredevil" suit with a matching helmet, which her peach colored hair was protruding from.  
  
"Excuse me, are you the pilot," Cheney inquired.  
  
"Yep," the woman answered nonchalantly.  
  
"Good!, "exclaimed Powell, "There seems to be some mix-up in my frequent flyer miles."  
  
The pilot asked, "Pliers?"  
  
"No, frequent flier miles. You see I was told that they could be used for a commercial airline."  
  
"Receding hairline?"  
  
Powell who was lost in the conversation questioned, "Are you deaf?"  
  
"Death!?" the woman exclaimed.  
  
"What," Colin replied.  
  
The pilot answered, "Noodles?"  
  
"How in the hell did you get noodles?"  
  
"I'm hungry and you're boring, so hurry up and get in, before I decide not to take you."  
  
"Erm, ok."  
  
"Junior, do you think we should leave Barney alone in the apartment? He has no food or water."  
  
"He'll be fine. He's just a dog."  
  
Growls resounded through out the apartment. They were not growls of a dog in fear, but rather his stomach. The dog lay on his side, not noticing the evil glares he was receiving from a swarm of cockroaches. The sounds of his hunger were disrupting the book signing of Roach Cock's "Against All Pesticides."  
  
"Junior, I think there is something wrong with the pilot."  
  
"Yeah, me too."  
  
The pilot was steering the plane with her feet, strumming on an electric guitar, and scatting.  
  
"La la, this place sucks, aren't any bishi drunks.  
  
No FLCL, no pervy pervies.  
Yukimura's fine, wish he were mine.  
  
Noodles are good, as they should.  
Wrestling's cool, people get schooled.  
Dailly Show is awesome, Jon Stewart is rockin.  
Love Queer as Folk, Hal Sparks sexuality is just a joke.  
  
FF7's the best game, all the others are just lame.  
This is so boring, so not enjoying.  
  
Buri Guri, FLCL, all fun.  
Screw this, flight's done. See ya."  
  
Without warning, the pilot opened the cockpit door and jumped out. Powell jumped into the abandoned seat and looked down. The pilot was windsurfing on her guitar with a parachute that read 'FLCL'.  
  
"Wow, she's really talented," remarked Powell who was still admiring the pilot. Sirens started going off and lights began flashing, bringing him back to this reality. Powell began his bitchy screaming.  
  
"AH, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!"  
  
Powell looked behind him to find out that Cheney was already dead, causing him to scream more. The plane went into a nosedive.  
  
The Powell Saga Logo appears and the logo background music plays. "Yay, they're dead!" said Linalin. The audience cheers. The logo background music stops and then plays again. "Sorry, I lied." The audience boos, the music stops, and the logo disappears.  
  
"Junior, wake up...Junior."  
  
Powell opened his eyes, sat up, and continued his screaming. They were lying on the side of a road. A sign above them read : Welcome to Roswell...Population - Unknown.  
  
"Junior, there is no need for your screaming." Powell shut up.  
  
"How are we still alive, Cheney?"  
  
"This I do not know. I fainted and when I awoke we were here with this letter." Cheney pulled a letter from his breast pocket. Powell snatched it.  
  
"What is this?" He began to read...  
  
Thank the gods, you finally shut up, woman! You're annoying as hell! I should've let you die, but I didn't. If there's one thing I hate more than stupid politicians, it's stupid deaths. The whole scene was stupid! To make up to the fanfic viewers, I decided to keep you alive, so I can atone for what I've done in future chapters.  
  
~The Author  
  
"What's a fanfic?" Powell questioned, handing the letter back to his partner.  
  
Cheney looked over the letter and replied, "I do not know."  
  
"So, where do you think we should look for aliens?"  
  
"There's more to the letter, Junior." Powell took back the letter and read...  
  
P.S. - Dear sweet Trunks, I can't believe you just said that! Ever heard of Area-51, you moron?  
  
Powell crinkled the letter and dropped it. "Where do you think this Area-51 is?"  
  
"Perhaps we should ask someone."  
  
"Wow, this town is weird," said Powell looking around. "It looks like the sci-fi convention from hell." Aluminum foil covered many windows and weird homemade machines lined the streets. Cheney walked up to a building and knocked on a door.  
  
"What species may ye be" asked a voice on the other side.  
  
"We are humans," was Cheney's response. The door opened. A 'husky' man stepped out. He had thick black unwashed hair and wore very thick- lensed glasses, a metallic spacesuit, and a spaghetti strainer on his head.  
  
"Holy shit," Powell breathed.  
  
"What is it that ye humans or aliens dressed in human skins want," questioned the man.  
  
"We were wondering where Area-51 is." Cheney answered.  
  
The man's eyes widened. "It is there," he said pointing to a black building less a mile away, "I can tell you no more." He slammed the door.  
  
"What was with him?" Powell asked.  
  
"I have no idea, Junior."  
  
They walked to the building.  
  
"Area-51 Arcade," the vice president read from a sign.  
  
"Arcade? If possible, this got even weirder." Powell opened the door. They were met with bright flashing colors and loud sounds. Surprisingly, there were no people, only lights and usual arcade games. They stepped inside. "Well, I don't see any aliens."  
  
"Nor do I, Junior, but let's play."  
  
"Might as well, this mission is a lost cause." Powell walked up to a Pacman machine. "Hey, these machines don't need credits!"  
  
Powell had some experience with Pacman. He had played with Bush before, but still it was gameover within ten minutes. Powell had played and lost to nearly every game in the place, when Cheney collapsed in front of the 'Space Invaders' he had been playing for the past hour. His partner kneeled beside him until he was revived.  
  
"Ok, that death was absolutely pointless."  
  
"Oh please forgive, I was very shocked that I had beaten my own record." Powell stood up and checked Cheney's score.  
  
"5,000,000 that's nothing. I can probably beat that." Powell started the game. He moved to the very edge of the screen, but shot too quickly and was shot and destroyed instead.  
  
"You have to hide behind those things," instructed Cheney pointing to one of the mounds. Powell did as he was told, but didn't move from behind it. The mound was destroyed as he was.  
  
His losing horrible playing continued until gameover. When the words appeared, the floor below them jolted, then descended.  
  
"Cheney, what did you do?" Powell questioned, eyeing his partner suspiciously.  
  
"Honestly, I did nothing, Junior."  
  
The floor ceased descention minutes later. They were entrapped in a small steel room with nothing in it except them, a light fixture, and door without a handle. The place they had arrived from was no longer visible.  
  
"So, where the hell are we?" Powell pushed on the door, but it was locked.  
  
"China, perhaps."  
  
"You think so, Cheney?"  
  
"I am not certain. Lord Bush has often talked about digging a hole to China."  
  
"Hmm, if that's the case, I want to get some of those dumpling things. Those are good."  
  
The door without a handle opened and flooded the room with light. A figure in a biohazard suit stepped into the entrance. Powell started screaming.  
  
"You really don't have to scream, you know." The figure removed his head gear.  
  
Cheney dropped to the floor and bowed. Powell stopped screaming when he saw his partner's actions/  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Junior, haven't you know any idea who that is?"  
  
Powell looked at the smirking man, then back at Cheney. "Uh, no."  
  
"It's the great Spok!"  
  
Powell looked at the man. "Who?"  
  
The man lifted his hand in Spock-fashion, "My codename is Leonard Nemoy. I come in peace. I head up the Area 51 extraterrestrial project. And you are?"  
  
"Colin Powell."  
  
"Dick Cheney."  
  
Powell questioned, "How did we get down here?"  
  
"You got through our security, by scoring the nearly impossible zero on Space Invaders. If you didn't do it on purpose, you must be one pretty bad gamer."  
  
Powell slouched. "So, why you come here?"  
  
"We're on a mission," replied Cheney.  
  
"What kind of mission?"  
  
"Bush sent us here to look for some aliens."  
  
"Bush...you don't mean President Bush, do you?" They both nodded.  
  
"Things surely must have changed on the surface. Bush's terms should have ended eight years ago."  
  
"Please forgive us for not specifying great one, it his son who is in office now." Cheney said bowing.  
  
"Oh? Pardon me, they don't let us out very often, once every twenty years to be exact, except for all those Star Trek conventions. Anyhow, what type of aliens are you looking for we have Ctarl-Ctarl, Jurian trees, Cabbits, Puchuus, Saiyans, Namekians, a Mu that's been encrypted in..."  
  
Powell interrupted, "Japanies. Japanies aliens."  
  
"I'm sorry. I've never heard of Japanies aliens. We'll keep an eye out for them though. Do you need anything else?"  
  
"A way home," Powell answered.  
  
"No problem, I'll beam you up now." Nemoy raised his hand and the two disappeared in a beam of light, then emerged in their apartment.  
  
"What in the hell just happened?"  
  
"I don't know, Junior."  
  
"Turn on the light. I can't see anything."  
  
Cheney flicked the switch. Powell began to scream, while Cheney collapsed.  
  
"Shut up," said a peach haired woman dressed in motorist's gear.  
  
"Wh-who are you?" Powell asked.  
  
The girl scratched her ear. "This is your pilot speaking. The name's Raharu."  
  
"What in the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"It seems I lucked out earlier. For some reason, I came to check if you two have what it takes."  
  
"Hold on. What?"  
  
The woman took out her guitar, waved it above their heads and began chanting.  
  
"What the hell are you doing to me, lady?" Powell asked, holding his head in pain. A mass in the shape of an egg came out of his head while a ping-pong ball shaped mass came out of Cheney's. The woman stopped and picked up the objects.  
  
"You guys are useless."  
  
"What in the hell are you talking about, lady and what in the hell did you do to us?"  
  
"You're useless," the woman screamed before walking out. Powell went to the door after her, but she was already on her yellow moped driving down the street. He turned around. Cheney was well again.  
  
"That was nice of her," Cheney said, "dropping in for a visit."  
  
"Whatever. This day's been too weird."  
  
"I think you're right, Junior."  
  
"Well, let's go to bed, we have to report to Lord Bush in the morning."  
  
"But Junior, I'm hungry."  
  
"We have no money, so we can't get anything. We can eat the dog though."  
  
Barney shrilly yelped from the back of the apartment. Cheney collapsed again.  
  
"Damn it, dead again."  
  
Text appeared...  
  
Episode 2  
  
Aliens Exist  
  
Today's Experiment... Failed  
  
The text faded.  
  
A light shines upon a miniature music sheet stand and a miniature microphone, while music plays and snow falls. Barney walks up to the microphone and adjusts it and begins to sing. His yelps are translated by Gary Coleman, who appears in a blue bubble to the side of him. Gary Coleman reads...  
  
I've known this all along,  
You never cared about me at all,  
You gave me away as if you didn't care and then called me food,  
It hurts so much to think about it,  
Not what you did to me, but rather the person you are,  
If I see you again I won't tell you how I feel,  
Instead I'll tell the truth to the media, you bastard.  
  
Gary Coleman disappears. The dog knocks over the microphone and pisses on it. Red curtains with yellow trim close Barney's performance.  
  
A fake 20th Century Fox credit appears, as does a bubble containing Linailin. She says...  
  
Hey there, everyone! Thanks for the 2 reviews! I'm glad someone read it. In response to your questions, John, I must say that, sorry not drinking anything, although I definitely should be if I'm able to write this, and come on who else can fill Il Pallazzo's shoes and screw everything up. This chapter was a fun one to write. The only apologies I have to make this time are to residents of Roswell, New Mexico, and Leonard Nemoy. Yeah, sorry. Today's anime cameo was Haruko from FLCL, also known as Raharu. I'm so happy Cartoon Network brought FLCL back (although I have it all on tape)! There's a hidden message in this chapter about politicians, but I doubt anyone short of a FLCL otaku will discover it. Hey what's that sound?  
  
"Nyao!" A cabbit jumps into Linalin's bubble.  
  
Ah cabbit! Run away! Run away!  
  
Linalin starts running in and out of the bubble.  
  
The next episode is "Get a Job!". Please, Review! Review! Review! 


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